The Twisted Rantings of the Dantelope

My workplace environment could be described as a young, energetic, open, bustling place where fun and pressure collide; where beautiful people, castoffs from the Island of Ugly, and patients of brain enlargement procedures whose surgeon spells "brain" p-h-a-l-l-u-s all come together in a spastic panorama of memory-making moments.

Yes, I currently work for a fairly successful and growing "startup". One with Simpsons pinball, Chai tea, superhero mascots, foosball, and, to naturally complete the image, an office that is the very uber-hip conversion of an old factory building. One of those places.

Now I know what you're thinking. Geez, Dantelope, sounds like you've got it made! Alas, if only this were true. Here are some of the incredible things that actually happened at work over the past month, and believe it or not, none of them happened on the same day.

• Loud banging on roof. Very loud. Dust starts coming down. Hmmm, does old converted factory dust coming from the ceiling contain... asbestos? Who knows. I flee in terror.
  
  
• Faint smell of sewage getting stronger. Is that natural gas? Who can tell. Overpowering now. Two foremen come down to see if anyone is still alive. I am, barely. They give me some line about "you might want to open a window"... I look around... I am enclosed by walls with no windows. I flee in terror.
  
  
• Loud sawing sound coming from behind wall where I work, followed by the wall actually moving. I think I hear sledge hammers. I flee in terror.
  
  
• Expansive dust cloud everywhere. Looking across the large open floorplan, it is as if Los Angeles has exported all of its smog to this building. While it works very well to kill all the bugs, it also causes mass panic at the workplace. I flee in terror.
  
  
• Strong smell of roof glue seeping in. Overpowering. When I come to, I flee in terror.
  
  
• Banging on the roof again. This time, a large vent in the roof is pulled off and I am exposed to sunlight, dust, glue, and three very large macho men who clearly just got this job after they were released (escaped?) from prison. One guy looks in. Oh, uh, hi. Great. I flee in terror.
  
  
• Water pressure is out. Phones are out. Internet connectivity is at 25%. Temperature in room is 50 degrees. Aaaagghhhh. I flee in terror.

The price of growth, I suppose. Still, I consider this training for the 10K Flee in Terror Race. Proceeds go to the Improve My Workplace Building Fund.

---- Dantelope @ can-you-hear-me-out-there?

They say admitting your problems is the first step towards recovery. In this light, please take 30 seconds to fill in the blanks...


1) I hereby admit to the horrifying truth that I like ___________________.

and

2) I hereby admit to the horrifying truth that I could care less about ________________.

Allow me to start...

1) Dr. Phil and Oprah
2) The World Series, The Tigers, and pretty much anything that has innings or involves gloved hands on balls....


---- Dantelope @ whassamattahwichu?

Someone recently asked me why I have a hatred of mimes. I really don't know. So I asked someone.

As described to me by my imaginary shrink, Dr. Subliminal, I've unearthed a most disturbing story that completely explains my fear of mimes.

As the story goes, a young family is sleeping in their home late at night. As the clock's bright red segments indicate 3am has passed, the light tread of rubber can be heard from outside along with the quiet creaking of a bicycle's gears meshing against an old chain. A young man, creepy, skulking, steps off the bike and pulls a mask from beneath his coat. As he approaches the garage, accidentally left open by the family's young son, he glances left and right, eyes checking carefully for observers. With the light of the moon striking his face, we are horrified to see it is the mask from the movie Scream. He mimes a knifing action and the mask seems to grin wider, the red glow of death seething from the slits.

When this story is told, I am of course, in a state of complete horror, shocked, stunned, scared, sweat dripping off my balding head.

To relax myself, I turn on the TV. And lo and behold.... (third story down)


---- Dantelope @ somewhere-they-are-holding-a-padded-white-room-for-me