The Twisted Rantings of the Dantelope

My son, First Born, is already lost to the Webkinz Devil. For those of you that don't know, Webkinz are malicious devices of Satan produced by Ganz. You buy them in "specially damned stores" around the country. The come in hundreds of different styles big and small. Once you've acquired one of the demonic furballs, you use a special code attached to them to sign into a virtual world online. Think Second Life for kids.

You can build rooms in a house complete with furnishings, wallpaper, flooring, electronics, and so on. Notice the very modern pirate theme my son has chosen. Yeah. I don't know whether to be glad or terrified. You can buy food and even gems. The animal plays with your psyche by losing one or more of three indicators - Happiness, Health, or Hunger. Like any parent, your child will freak out when any of these indicators falls below 100 and race to satisfy its every whim. The online world is free for the first year, and then you must re-mortgage your real house to avoid losing your virtual accumulations. Failure to resubscribe results in a visit from two rather large and burly Men In Black whose blank facial expression and selection of torture device leave me to wonder if Ganz is not only in bed with Satan himself but also the subject of a complete mind-meld by alien lifeforms.

We bought a Lil'kinz cocker spaniel for First Born, which he promptly named an inspiring "Puppy". Within days, Puppy had us doing its evil bidding. It also had a profound effect on my son's maturity level, dropping it from 5 1/2 years old to 1 in a matter of minutes. For example, when he finally made enough money to buy a backyard, he neglected to read the instructions and dumped it the first place he could -- a place he did not want it to be. When he discovered that, once placed, land cannot be moved, he had a tantrum-induced, nuclear meltdown. I don't mean that figuratively, either. Ever see Heroes? Yeah... it was like that. Luckily I possess healing powers like Claire and was able to rescue the rest of my family before the house was vaporized.

When First Born went to bed last night, I signed on to his account to confront the Webkinz on their own turf. Big mistake. Now my soul is owned by Ganz, and a little cocker spaniel named Puppy has taken over my brain. I spent almost an hour building up his wealth, filling his fridge with yummy snacks, and ensuring that Puppy's three meters were at 100%.

At night, I hear the raspy panting of the Devil's dog. It says... PWNED!

--- Dantelope @ pwned-by-a-puppy

Webkinz. Evil, evil Webkinz. I know you're looking at me at night. Undressing me with your animal stare. Licking your lips. Wondering... just wondering... how I might taste chewed up and spit back out onto a nice bed of lettuce. Waiting, waiting for your ideal moment to pounce. I'm on to you.

Saturday night. A feel-good moment. At a mall. Unusual for a man, I know, but nonetheless. With my wife. Feeling good. Oh look, a Hallmark! Thinking of Firstborn. What's this? A Webkinz? How nice! How fetching! And only $7? Here, my good man, keep the change.

Sunday. Another feel-good moment. At home, this time. With Firstborn. I have a surprise for you. You do? I do. What is it? Tada! Oh YEAH! A Webkinz! He knows. He's heard from his friends. Names it Puppy. How original. Upstairs before I know what hit me.

Logging in. Typing the secret code. Being drawn in. Look at all the fun things! The games! The clothes! The food! The employment office! It's a lesson. No, it's many lessons. It'll be good for him.

Feeling strange. Sunday night. Someone's watching me, but who? Looking around. Can't shake it. It's everywhere. What's this Webkinz doing here? Thought I left it upstairs. Hmmm. Put it back upstairs. Sleep not so well.

Monday morning. Firstborn playing with Webkinz before school. Woke up early, unusual. Very excited. Perhaps too excited. Absorbed. Almost late for school. Just one more arcade game with Puppy, Dad?

Eating breakfast downstairs. Firstborn at school. Feeling strange again. Look around but see noone. Except. Puppy. Downstairs again. Staring at me. Something dripping from his mouth. Red substance. What is that? Touch it. Smell it. Is this blood? Oh. My. GOD!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!

--- Dantelope @ nobody-can-hear-you-scream-in-Webkinz

Labels: firstborn, webkinz