The Twisted Rantings of the Dantelope

I am not one who likes to admit failure. Sure, there have been times in my life where things haven't gone the way I planned... like the time I was captured behind enemy lines in Plano, TX and threatened with exposure to pickup truck exhaust unless I told them the secret recipe for ice... but I mean few things have really challenged my outlook on life.

And then I met that most impenetrable of packaging, the dreaded Sealed Plastic with Toy Enclosed (SPiTE, if you will).

You see, such packaging is designed with only one purpose. Destroy mankind. I'm fairly certain that, left alone, this type of packaging would send out a beacon for its own kind and unite an army of plastic ogres so tough that no material known to man could defeat it. It's like the orcs in Lord of the Rings, only instead of them being killed by my wicked sword, my blade is broken into millions of little shards and the orcs laugh and laugh and laugh and then they lash out and kill me in one sweet stroke of antagonistic loathing.

I've tried everything -- scissors, knives (Exacto and the other kind), daggers, knives, guns (rifles and small arms), mortars, tanks, and even a dirty bomb I landed my hands on during a nice stroll through the neighborhood park (who left this here?!?!?!). Nothing works.

Even if I were capable of defeating SPiTE's brutal exterior, inside lurks its evil minions, The Gray Twisty Ties of Death. These thin bastions of the Dark Lord slice and dice fingers and hands like Richard Simmons with a salad shooter. Proof positive that Satan is rising from the depths of Hell and gearing up for all out war.

I long for The Simpler Life. Where toys came in simple packaging you simply ripped up and threw in the garbage. Where the toys themselves were the dangerous items, painted with lead and containing small plutonium cores that cause odd growths on your undercarriage. Where getting hurt while opening up your present was not a humiliating act that destroys you mentally and physically.

Sigh.

--- Dantelope @ ouch-ouch-OUCH!

Labels: humor, life