The Twisted Rantings of the Dantelope

I'm sure you didn't know this about me, but I am a master carpenter. And a furniture maker. And a painter. And an electrician. And a handyman.

At least... that's what I tell myself, despite the quite obvious fact that it's a total fabrication.

Truth is, I find a way to screw up just about every project I undertake in a most fascinating and embarrassing way. Let me share with you today's episode, which I like to call "Why Physics Matters".

Our story starts in my quaint little home where TSO and I decide, yes, we will get Princess Diva a Big Girl Bed. And because our little princess lives in such a tiny room in the castle, we're going to naturally get her a full-size bed. If she's lucky, she'll stay rail thin like a model and thus won't get stuck between her bed and the wall on the way to school each morning. Maybe.

Now a Big Girl Bed is a Big Change. And such change requires, of course, more change. So, hell, let's paint her room again. Yes. What a lovely idea.

And while we're at it... let's get crown mouldings on the 2nd floor!

Of course, crown mouldings in her room was a project I started 2 years ago. She has these tiny little triangular backing blocks all over her room in preparation for putting up said mouldings. That's as far as I could get. Maybe using the nail gun scared me. Maybe I don't like hospitals or foreign metal objects in my skull. Maybe.

So our Big Change is now a Huge Change and cleverly ignores previous life-altering discussions about budgets and fiscal responsibility. Remind me to admire my crown mouldings as we forfeit our house to the bank....

So the Dantelope heads over to Home Depot this morning to select crown mouldings. Now I've studied it enough to know that I'm a cheap bastard and simple MDF crown will suffice for our needs. At $1.09 a linear foot, it's as good as I'm going to get. So I'm headed over there expecting to pick up 19-20 12' boards. When I get there I see that they have 16' boards as well as 12'. I begin thinking... hey... this way they can do longer runs in the hallways and larger rooms and not have as many seams... that's great!

And as I struggled to get these mouldings to the counter, killing at least 3 employees and savagely beheading an innocent bystander, I come to the kind of sudden realization that only a man of my extreme, expert carpentry and handyman skills could.

How the hell am I going to get these home?

Now mind you, I sport not one but two engineering degrees from the prestigious University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. I must be a freakin' genius or something. So me and the mentally handicapped helper slide these long pieces into the minivan and out the front passenger window. The pieces extend a good 4-5' out in the front, and 3-4' out the back. We tie down the liftgate, and I make special I'm-a-freakin-genius loops all over the place thinking, 'yeah... that'll hold!'

I begin my 4-mile journey back to home base... 10MPH... 15MPH... 20MPH... I'm almost 1000 yards from the store now. A car behind me. Tailing me too closely. I go to 25MPH.

Now, ladies and gentlemen. This is where we learn Why Physics Is Important. If you take a long, flexible piece of MDF and subject it to wind shear of a certain magnitude, that piece will begin to lift up like an airplane. Like I did, you would watch in horror as the 4-5' piece in the passenger window goes skyward, bending almost 180 degrees in the process, and a sudden shreiking crack of MDF; pieces everywhere, flying, cars swerving to avoid being impaled. Blackout.

When I awaken, I am parked in a bank parking lot near the crime scene. There are 5 pieces of 16' MDF crown moulding which are now... oh... let's call it 13.2'... jagged edged. I slowly back the van up so that if the police come looking for someone with large mouldings sticking out of their windows, I won't be easily spotted.

Yes, folks, physics is important. And so is having a brother-in-law who will come to your rescue to hold the pieces while you drive home. What's YOUR worst home improvement experience?

Next time, maybe I'll study. Or even better, someone else can get the materials next time.

---- Dantelope @ e=mc^2