Tuesday, March 28, 2006
On The Road Again
Driving is more than an American pasttime. It's a birthright. Here in the Motor City, the young are often gifted with the keys to a 3,000 pound metal box with wheels even before birth. Oh, sure, there are diapers and crib companions, but nothing says "I love your new baby" like a '99 Jeep Wrangler complete with dangling baby shoes.
So it is in this context that I find myself perplexed by the arcane, simplistic gatekeepers to achieving that pinnacle of driverhood -- the driver's license. Why is it so easy? I ask this question not because I am intent on reducing accidents or deaths, but -- more selfishly -- because I am intent on reducing accidents or deaths involving me.
I drive more than the average bear (well, okay, I drive more than all bears, with the exception of Yogi, who has been known to take quite a few trips from Jellystone) -- close to 2 hours a day just for work. [Aside: Before you sales people and strange folks who drive from one state or country -- yes, Canada, I'm talking to you -- to another for work jump on my case and say that's not a lot, you are crazier than the whole lot of 'em. I don't know how you do it.] So here's some [unfortunately] memorable things I saw on the road... today.
---- Dantelope@vroom-vroom-vroom
So it is in this context that I find myself perplexed by the arcane, simplistic gatekeepers to achieving that pinnacle of driverhood -- the driver's license. Why is it so easy? I ask this question not because I am intent on reducing accidents or deaths, but -- more selfishly -- because I am intent on reducing accidents or deaths involving me.
I drive more than the average bear (well, okay, I drive more than all bears, with the exception of Yogi, who has been known to take quite a few trips from Jellystone) -- close to 2 hours a day just for work. [Aside: Before you sales people and strange folks who drive from one state or country -- yes, Canada, I'm talking to you -- to another for work jump on my case and say that's not a lot, you are crazier than the whole lot of 'em. I don't know how you do it.] So here's some [unfortunately] memorable things I saw on the road... today.
- A car traveling over 100mph on a 70mph freeway..... RAMP.
- A pickup truck crossing 4 lanes of traffic... TWICE IN A PERIOD OF 10 SECONDS.
- An old woman who was not only actually picking her nose but then proceeded to place the offending boogerage on the window of her car
---- Dantelope@vroom-vroom-vroom
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I didn't realize anyone was watching but I needed to expel the boogerage as it was becoming increasingly uncomfortable in my nasal cavity. I tried to flick it but the adhesion properties were approximately twice the strength of super glue. In my feeble attempt to remove said boogerage I increased my speed to 119.5 MPH in hopes the wind would blow it from my finger. Alas, I forgot to roll down my window and jammed my finger into the window (which is probably what you witnessed). The pain from the errant booger removal was excruciating but the procedure was an overall success as my finger was now booger-free. However, the pain also caused me to temporarily forget I was traveling at a high rate of speed and I swerved across traffic (all 4 lanes, I believe). To my shock and disbelief, I found myself in the fast lane (the far left lane - for those unfamiliar with the rules of the road) and my exit was approaching quickly. I made the determination to take the exit anyway - so I swerved across the 4 lanes of traffic (again). I was now headed towards the exit ramp at 119.5 MPH and thought I'd better slow down. I took it down to 100 MPH. Dantelope, I'm not quite sure you knew how fast I was going but you're good with the visual radar detection. Anyway, I arrived at my destination safely. What you witnessed was just a series of coincidences.
Don’t hate the driver, hate the booger.
(Sorry for being a hazard on the road.)
Don’t hate the driver, hate the booger.
(Sorry for being a hazard on the road.)
# posted by 
: 3/29/2006 7:22 AM
: 3/29/2006 7:22 AM
As we Michiganders are about to embark on the lovely season of construction, you should probably reserve a section of this blog for us to rant & rave about the idiots we encounter on a daily basis within the construction zones. I know I am not alone when I say that the upcoming 'mixing bowl' construction is gonna suck!! Dealing with the Lodge when they were doing the prep work last fall was bad enough, I can hardly imagine how these drivers are going to deal with this for the next six months.
kredin - you made my day with that. unfortunately, I will need to drive home from work early as I've just wet myself.
ophelia - orange barrels, like most signage in Michigan, are mere recommendations. :) Consider it done.
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ophelia - orange barrels, like most signage in Michigan, are mere recommendations. :) Consider it done.
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