The Twisted Rantings of the Dantelope

So TSO calls me at work today to inform me that a winged animal has decided to drop in.... to our fireplace!

Yes, friends, a huge bird dropped through the Santa chute and chirped and flew around like an insane parrot for the better part of the day. Apparently our chimney is nice and warm -- which is odd since we almost never use it. I did leave the pilot light on... and the flue doesn't work real well... grrrr, that means cheapskate Dantelope here has been warming the tushes of birds all winter!

So now the question on your mind... did Dantelope and family have a delicious feast of bird and cooked carrots?

Uh, no. When I got home, Firstborn and I sufficiently taunted and teased it with an enormous flashlight (the kind that can double as a bat for professional baseball players). We said things like, "Ha ha, some bird you are!" and "Are you my mother?"

Then, I called animal control. Hey now -- that thing could have bird flu!!

So Officer Gavin arrived about 30 minutes later, entering the domicile from the east and packing a bright shiny gun on his belt. For a moment, I had an image in my head of the bird flying out of the fireplace and Officer Gavin pulling a carnival shooting gallery on it. Alas, Officer Gavin did no such thing. He simply donned some gloves, opened the fireplace, reached in, and grabbed the bird.

I've never heard a bird voice its displeasure at being handled before. Let me tell you, it was a Silence of the Lambs moment: You hear the bird screaming at night, don't you, Clarice? Screaming to get out.

In a flash, the doorwall was open and POOF the bird was gone into the dark, cold night.

And then Officer Gavin -- who had a strange problem with looking people in the eye and was looking to my left all the time he was talking to me which I found very disturbing and wondered if he were ever to need to discharge his weapon would he be able to see the target or would he hit whatever was just to the left of it every time -- brought out a Junior Deputy badge for Firstborn, who promptly said Thanks!!! and then went up to bed.

We'll all sleep well tonight, except for the nightmares about the birdsnatchers....

---- Dantelope @ thank-god-it-wasn't-Big-Bird-or-Sesame-would-never-be-the-same